"If you had eyes"

2006-01-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

And again it's been forever since I made one of these things. Christmas has gone, things have happened but detailing the past has never been my thing.

So I have strep throat, or at least that's what the best guess is. I'm getting fevers on and off and my throat is killing me. I just hope Alex didn't get it. It's not so bad yet but the sickness induced dreams combined with an unfortunate romp down memory lane last night gave me the unfortunate dreams again. They aren't nightmares, they're dreams too good, too painfully good to ever be possible. They're even vaguely realistic, not all sunshine and happiness, and that makes it so much harder to just forget about them. In short, I'd love to be having nightmares instead.

I didn't get to see Erica while she was here, I suppose that's a friendship that will lie dormant for a while more. I'm sure I had sufficient ideas to complete the flow of this post but they seem to have escaped. Time to head off then.

2005-12-10T01:16:00.000-08:00

Why Vanessa? Just why?

If there's something wrong I don't know that I want to know but don't just hint. If there's nothing wrong, don't use the picture. Please. You can't know how much it hurts.

2005-12-09T01:38:00.000-08:00

Now that finals are winding down, the semester is done and I'm one step closer to surviving this crazy thing, I realize I'm not better.

One day I won't be lying to myself when I think I've moved on.

Until then, I'm still useless to everybody. I want nothing else more than to talk to you again. My hatred's fading and the tears are starting to win out again. I already broke the most important promise I ever made, so I don't feel so bad about breaking the one saying I'd never address another one of these things to you. Yes, sometimes monsters feel too.

2005-11-17T23:56:00.000-08:00

There are times when stopping dating and instead being friends is a good thing. I think this is one of those times. I'm starting to rather like Alex and I don't want to lose him in a couple of months just because a relationship turns sour, I'm rather glad he kind of just feels friendship with me and not romantic goodness. Now, this doesn't mean I'm without romantic feelings for him, but they aren't incredibly strong and if history has taught me anything, the feelings go away the second I get what I want anyway. Besides, the idea of a romantic relationship in the future isn't quite 100% out of the question as far as I know (though it doesn't really matter to me if it is) so it could eventually turn out that way too after we have time to actually get to know each other properly. Too bad we aren't dating though, he is damn gorgeous. At the very least we will be one of the most attractive pairs of friends around.

2005-11-15T02:15:00.000-08:00

I'm excessively tired right now, I think I am anyway. It's really too late for me to be up as I have an 8:30 class and that means waking at 6:00. However, I have insomnia. Maybe it's the coffee I had, maybe it's the food I haven't had or maybe it's guilt over the $200 jacket I bought today.

Either way, I CAN'T SLEEP.

I have medication that works in these instances usually, but it's far too late for me to try it so I'm going to go another route and use a new medication I like to call Kahlua.

Here's hoping it works out.

2005-11-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

The last couple of days have been good, excellent even if you enjoy defining things in the extreme. This has happened for a couple of reasons of which I will detail here.

First and foremost is that Little Mercy's First Murder was so good, so overwhelmingly excessively well done that it was perhaps the most moving live experience I've ever had. At the very least it competes with the ranks of Un ballo en masque, the first performance I saw of Agnus Dei and even the first time I saw Veji live with the soul piercing rendition of Fairytale.

It was a small production, a cast of six (also playing role of crew), the music was provided by a drummer and a pianist, the theatre seated 250, the set was a glorious rendition of a 1942 New York Alley, it was an intimate setting. To start with, every single member of the cast could sing execptionally and act even better, the actress in the title role was captivating to say the least. The music was good, but not necessarily anything I would call genious, the lyrics were impressive as hell though and it would have been a harsh task to fit those lyrics into any form of cohesive music. What astounded me was that they pulled off film noir perfectly. The people weren't bad necessarily, but they weren't really good either. They were just people come upon tough times and that's the true measure of noir, a lack of a hero or a villain, a hero that is a villain and worthy of neither title.

Every emotion portrayed rang true, the transvestite and the bar owner that loved her (never explained whether or not he knew it was a guy) had real chemistry even. The stage bursted with reality. A favourite moment of mine was during an exchange that was definitely a Sammy's and Norma's when Mercy and Weegee were just dancing in the background. I didn't even notice the event at first, but I looked away from the focus for a second and at some point Weegee's hate had transferred to Mercy's head. Perfection in subtlety.

Both Weegee and Mercy had a definitive monologue song (Mercy had several monologue songs overall though) and these were carried out in the best imaginable way. Weegee's was carried out with a perfect air of nostalgia and morose, but not overacted in the least and even mixed with optimism at some points, it didn't ever degenerate into just a heart-wrencher. Mercy's was even better though, it's the end of the play and you've been built up to believe it will be a happy ending (or you love the characters so much you want it to be anyway) but it isn't. Mercy is in jail for (and excuse the pun, made double since her mother was named Mercy as well) mercy killing her mother as her mother was almost dead of gangrene anyway and her spirit was being destroyed. Two metal grates, one of which that covered the band prior to this, were drawn out to lock Mercy in and merge the set into one long piece and the lighting was perfect. I may be overusing the word perfect, but it's necessary here. I was completely drawn in here, nothing mattered but Mercy and the bars. I can't remember near enough of the last song, but I remember the emotion. This is a girl who had only just experienced a small taste of life for a few hours, the rest of her world was imagined through books and a sordid existence of looking after her mother. You felt for her because you had come to love her, and now she was broken. The monologue was made more effective by the events and expositions of the previous scene but still, the actress carried the emotion perfectly. It ended the play in the same way that it had been carried on most of the time, I small cry against the injustice of the world. At the end the audience sat stunned, no one wanted it to be over. That's how you know it was excellent, no one was willing for it to end. It was at least 10 seconds after the lights dimmed before anyone started clapping. Screw standing ovations, that's how you show real respect.

Another reason is, Waazubee is very very excellent. I think I'll leave it at that.

As a last, but certainly not least thing. Happiness with talking to Alex is present. We really aren't anything as of now, but I like him and there are few people with which I'm able to have a conversation in quite the same way. Also, he is teh sexy in many ways.

2005-11-08T23:15:00.000-08:00

Well, what can I say? It was a truly awesome date. I can't say I was completely sure at first, Alex is rather outgoing and I'm, well... not. However, once we both let go of a bit of nerves it went great. The aforementioned nerves made me even quieter and less responsive than usual and I think they made him even more outgoing and talkative than is par for the course so this created a bit of a gap but it was definitely broken down.

He's by far the best at breaking down my normal defenses of anyone I've ever met and he's getting to know me at a frightening pace. We spent the bulk of the date in his car mainly listening to music I wasn't particularly fond of because he enjoyed bugging me with it. Yes, I realize it's odd that I enjoy this, but I do so shut up. Slowly things got a little more comfortable and then there was definite clickage.

When it got time for the goodbye, he wasn't going to let me get away without making the move to kiss him (bastard), for his part, he made it fairly easy to do so so I can't really complain much. Also, he rates the "best kisser" award of the guys I have carried out such an act with. It lacks the ferocity of some of the kisses I had with Fox, but then again, I had sex with Fox at the same time I kissed him for the first time so I'm not sure how comparable this can be.

The tall wasn't as much of a problem as expected, he's approximately the same height as me, only a little taller. However, he's also rather hot, smart, fun and interesting so this can be forgiven. The best thing is that we actually carried on a good conversation over MSN when I got back from the date too and made tentative plans to do this every Tuesday. Therefore, happiness is occuring right now.

Of course, I've studied 0% for my ling midterm tomorrow so this could have minor repercussions.

2005-11-08T00:36:00.000-08:00

I should get this out of the way before something actually happens. I have a date tomorrow.

Not with Jordan mind you, I'm rather sure that ship has sailed. It's a shame since he's rather gorgeous/hot/amazingly beautiful/dead sexy, but he's also young and the chemistry just wasn't really there. No, this date is with Alex, someone who I never would have met without the aid of the internet and Tequila -- Alex is a far better name than Jordan by the way, I mean, Jordan's cool and all but that guy really should have been called Jonas. That's a far better 'J' name -- and he's rather someone different than I would expect to like. He's cute and blonde so that's fairly within my taste, but he's tall, and well... tall. That's about all that seperates him from my average choices but it's a big thing, it changes the dynamics of the relationship to have me be the shorter one.

However, he's artistic, interesting and somehow gets me to talk (that's an huge accomplishment by the way). He's from Arkansas, which is different to say the least but at least the worst that can happen is now I'll have another state I won't ever be able to visit. Best of all, he calls me Gecko, and I have a peculiar soft spot for pet names. Also, he knows how to banter, says hello with "Gree!" and can type properly on MSN but still use the occassional and appreciated emoticon.

On the other hand, he's tall. I'm not so sure how I'll deal with that.

2005-11-07T00:11:00.000-08:00

Megan Peters

She was my first attraction, I'd say love because I guess at the time it was my definition of love but it wasn't really love. I really can't remember how old I was, it was either third or fifth grade, really depends on when Aaron left which is seeming to be grade 2 now that I think about it, whichever year it was, I had Bob Sawatsky, a truly great teacher. Anyway, whenever it was, the time with Megan was post Aaron and -- come to think of it, considering Vixen died when I was friends with Megan it must have been grade 2 when Aaron left. Shit, that would make Erin and Aaron leaving only a year apart. I didn't realize how quick that was until now -- must have been a little before I got quite so bleak and sarcastic.

I can remember her kind of high pitched squeal when something pleased her, I can remember watching Sailor Moon back in the day because it was the second anime my age group watched (the first being Samurai Pizza cats, we were all a little too young for Robotech). I can remember the gift I gave her from a school sale, it was a metal seal sculpture thing that lacked any detail but it was always cold and comfortable. I remember being with her the day Vixen was put to sleep and how I just stared at her wallpaper and cried a little.

There's no real point to this, but I find it interesting my first crush was a girl.

2005-11-05T02:38:00.000-08:00

Wow, off that last post I got three of those automatic advertising comments things. Quite frankly, I'm not even mad, I'm impressed.

2005-11-05T00:39:00.000-08:00

Screw the sadjournal bullshit for at least one post, I'm in eargasm mode right now.

Every once in a while I like to indulge in pure ear candy, and this is most definitely ear candy, just good. I'm referring to "The Polyphonic Spree", a band described as symphonic pop and that seems fairly adequate. They sound what Chicago would be doing if they were three times the size and existed in today's Indie scene. The vocals are definitely indicative of Indie, the music is simple enough but with reasonable complexity and the whole thing bursts with the sort of pure joy not seen since 60's rock/pop.

They can tend to be a little preachy sounding, but hey, religion doesn't stop me from listening to Bach, why should it affect these guys? Besides, you can tell while listening that if it was reduced down to a four or five piece band they would rock like hell. They'd be right up there with the Shins. Mmm... they even have Beatles levels of whimsy at some points.

Of course, this is quite a bit of the euphoria of hearing a new thing. I can already tell that they'll probably end up getting old about two days from now, but in a few places brilliance shines through and it's just so goddamn good.

P.S. If anyone actually reads this thing, I'm doing NaDruWriNi tomorrow and posting whatever results so it should be interesting.

P.P.S. The lead singer has this charming inconsistency in his voice. I enjoy.

Edit: Holy Shit! French Horn in a modern pop song, that's got to count for something.

2005-11-01T23:16:00.000-08:00

Of course, the day after I decide to just cut ties with all my old SFU friends is the day Vanessa deems me worthy of talking to again (that came out far more bitter than it is, she had good reasons for stopping the friendship and I still support and respect her decision to do so). This is kind of hard to deal with for one big reason. Until school started again I would have said Vanessa was my best friend but then huge amounts of space grew between us and it started feeling really awkward. Today however, it kind of resembled old times with us actually being able to communicate and just enjoy each other's company. I don't know if she's worked through some of the problems she had with me (and if some of them are what I think they are, they were real doozies) or if we can ever really regain some semblance of the friendship we had but she helped me through a lot and is likely the person who knows me best so I'd really like it if we could get back to being friends.

This does tend to create a problem with the whole "Leave SFU past behind" philosophy I recently adopted though. I'm not sure the gains I could come out with here are really worth it if it means me being the one to fully ruin the friendship with Vanessa as well. Not that it wasn't partially my actions before, but it was her decision to end it, the complete ownice would be on me in this instance though. Of course, this is assuming we can actually be friends again. I have a couple of weeks to make any sort of a decision probably since I won't have to deal with online communication for a while with her so I may be able to figure out if we can still be friends. I doubt it in a big way though because of a little shrew.

I don't mind having people turned against me, I just wish they wouldn't try to stay close once they are against me. On the other hand, I firmly am against trying to dicate who my friends can and cannot be friends with so I'm somewhat at odds over this.

Good god this thing is starting to sound decidedly angsty. Perhaps I'll have to avoid stupid angst topics in the future. Too bad it's looking like stopping dating a hot boy I like is probably going to happen soon because I'll probably feel shitty over that for a day or so

2005-10-30T18:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've missed a lot, I don't care that much though. I didn't have anything worth saying.

I'm thinking of cutting out all of my old SFU friends from my life now. Really, I haven't hung out with them in forever anyway and though I imagine they miss me a little from time to time, I just don't think I fit anymore. I did a good job of destroying my place in the group last year (though it likely would have been gone without my actions anyway) and I was the only one who didn't have strong ties outside that specific core of people I guess.

There are a couple of people I'm really going to miss because of this but I do think it's for the best. Most of all, I'm going to miss Marieka. She's not even at SFU right now and I'm not completely sure she'll ever be back, but she's possibly the most awesome person I've ever met and losing connection with her will kind of be the final farewell to my old life. If I hadn't met Fox she'd probably have ended up being my best friend last year and there's still a connection I feel with her that just makes us instantly fit as friends, but I think we've grown apart in ways that it isn't worth trying to fix things. It's more or less her words that stopped me from killing myself though or at least from ever putting serious thought into it and she'll always have a special place in my memories.

The only other person that really matters here is Lindsay. She's hard to say goodbye to for very different reasons. With Lindsay I can just do the comfortable and casual hanging out thing that has seemed so rare for me lately. We can just about nothing or anything, bullshit back and forth and generally just enjoy each others company. She's fun in general and awesome to drink with and as much as there's this general air of fun and casual about our friendship, it's never uncomfortable to actually go into a real conversation or share feelings and ideas. She's going to be hard to leave because that friendship is about the only one from last year that doesn't seem to have some sort of a corruption at the center of it: it's the only one that's just good.

I've got to do this though I think. It's time for me to actually move on. I'll still be stuck in this sort of purgatory life until next September but I can deal with that. I'm slowly building up a network of acquaintances that could become friendships in the future anyway and keep me sane during class. I hope one day I can go back to some of these old friendships and bring new life into them but for now I need to cut ties and say a hearty "Fuck it". It's a philosophy I would have done well to follow more often in the past.

2005-10-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

Fuck it all, I hate people.

Umm... UBC... tired... shithead... ruined friendships...

That about sums it up. I'm going to go get some fucking sleep.

2005-10-22T00:34:00.000-07:00

I want a cigar. I really want a cigar. I really really want a cigar.

However, I don't smoke so this causes certain problems. I feel I deserve a cigar today though. I got over or am at least getting over some kind of issues involving a certain boy who that I enjoy kissing. You see, the only time my feelings are ever all that strong is when I think I'm losing someone and I feel that I'm probably losing Jordan right now. Therefore, I end up having a strong emotional response to this for no good reason.

Of course, I do like Jordan, he's intelligent, beautiful, interesting and different, but at this point I'm not really all that attached. However, I think my last relationship left me with a lot of issues regarding, well... everything so when through various circumstances lead to me not seeing or talking to Jordan much at all over the last week, I was feeling way too brought down over it.

Luckily, I think I've worked through that a bit now. I really don't feel all that concerned about it. I have no reason to be really, it's crunch time at ye olde University right now so we're both busy as hell. Neither of us seem to be big MSN talkers and we don't know each other well enough to just have worlds of things to say to each other. Besides, his computer is in front of a TV, that's a pretty big distraction for anyone. More to the point, there certainly wasn't much distance or hostility when I saw him last so I'm probably just being stupid about it all.

Even if I'm not being stupid and it is over between us, what does it matter? Really, we've had (by even the most liberal definition of "date") four dates and only spent one night together. That's not exactly announcing love from the rooftops time. Hell, when I'm involved that's not even comfortable enough to hold a carefree conversation time. Yes, he's pretty awesome but certainly not an instant soul mate kind of situation and I'm sure there are other hot boys that aren't too disgusted with the concept of going out with me.

Still, even though it's normally used for depression, I want a cigar. I never did properly get that good cry out of my system.

2005-10-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, I missed a post, but those horrible comment based advertisements are getting worse so karma works. I'm hoping this is actually just one person who finds it hilarious to post this junk on people's blogs. If that was the case, I'd be impressed.

So... at the moment I'm feeling a major random fear of losing my hearing. It just kind of came up when I was listening to one of my favourite jazz albums and realized that it certainly doesn't sound as sharp as it did a few months ago. Now, this is almost guaranteed to be because I've practically destroyed my speakers from overuse and not because I have any sort of hearing deficiency but I got to thinking, what if this was a hearing problem? I'd be stuck with this muddier sound for the rest of my life and, though I'd have memories of great old music, I'd never be able to fully appreciate new music.

I mean, the day when this becomes a reality is far far in the future, but I'd be stupid to think it won't come one day and that scares the hell out of me. In my heart of hearts I'm a musician and hearing is everything to me. Sound creates in me the purest joy I can imagine and I never want to lose that. Screw curing cancer, people should be working on full hearing reconstruction. I don't want extra life if all my bodily functions are going to be inept. I'd rather die being able to hear than to live longer without music in my life.

2005-10-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what burning out feels like but I do imagine it's something like this. I deserve at least half a day's rest but I know I'm not going to get it, I've still got that blasted composition to do tomorrow. I'd really like to just sit down and play me some cubivore, get lost in a simplistic yet viscious world. Unfortunately, the TV is taken and I don't have the energy to try finding my wavebird.

Oh well, once I have that composition done and a few definitions memorized for my Intro to Drama midterm I'll be free for the weekend... mostly. Also, I should hopefully see Jordan tomorrow for a coffee which, if history holds true, will be an enjoyable experience. Until then I'll be able to get by on coffee, maybe a bit of sleep and the Turtle Kamasutra. Truly hilarious!

2005-10-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

So I've reached that wondrous time of the semester again, that point where you've got too much to do and not enough time to do it in. To make matters even more enjoyable, some extracurricular activities the other night left me bone tired. I certainly wouldn't change how the weekend went but I'd also like to be able to keep my eyes open right now without the 4 shots of espresso I had earlier.

So overall I just sort of feel like death right now and I'm kind of left wondering how I dealt with it all last year. Oh yes, that's right, according to my marks I didn't. I'm just completely drained right now. Physically, mentally and emotionally. My reserves are completely depleted and I'm running on empty. I really think I should take up videogames in a serious manner again, if I don't I fear I may be on the path to burning out.

It just kind of hurts my head that I have at least 4 more weeks to go before any forseeable break.

In other news, I'd really like for all you bastards who leave your bloody advertisement comments to stop. I'm not idealistic or for that matter stupid enough to believe that this will change anything as it's likely just some sort of automated process making them and last I checked machines didn't really have sympathy (except Data and he doesn't count). However, I would really like to leave comments free to the public in case someone actually does come by and have a legitimate interest in reading these passages and weighing in with their opinions.

2005-10-16T19:31:00.000-07:00

I imagine I have things to say, but none of them are particularly worth saying or they've been said before to some extent. Therefore, I shall talk about cheese.

Cheese is an odd substance, as far as I know it seems to come about through a mysterious process involving voodoo and mold (I'm not completely sure about the mold). When you see cheese in cartoons it's most likely Swiss, which is odd because I don't know anyone who eats Swiss as their primary cheese and the filled with holes look of swiss isn't exactly indicative of cheese in general.

As cheeses go, I tend to be fairly open-minded. Havarti is a great sandwich cheese, Mozarella is worthwhile when you don't want to think too hard about flavour but still want cheese, Cheddar is an awesome cooking cheese and its processed form is necessary for many different burger styled foodstuffs, Feta and Gouda are good times in salads, swiss is necessary when having deli ham or turkey, Parmesan is grand when grated and has given us many great things like Alfredo sauce and Brie will always be hands down the best melting cheese ever.

Cheese is... umm... a dairy product...

I think that just about covers it. It may be intersting to note that just about every time I went to write "cheese" in this post I put "chess" instead. I'd expect you could play chess with chunks of cheese but I wouldn't want a rook on my sandwich.

Just remember, "The person who loves you and the person you love are never, ever the same person". I'm not saying that has any special importance right now, just that it's good advice in general.

2005-10-14T23:38:00.000-07:00

I didn't write anything yesterday because I didn't feel like it. I'd almost feel like I let someone down if my blog had been visited by anyone more than those idiots that choose your most current post and leave an advertisement for whatever their site is in the comments.

I'm feeling rather cynical at the moment, not quite sure why. Maybe it's the pain in my back, maybe it's the glass of wine in front of me I'm watching slowly empty itself or maybe, just maybe, it's the return of the nightmares that have plagued me every time I've threatened to be too happy all summer. I really have no reason to be unhappy right now; I have another date tomorrow night with a wonderful boy that could soon become more to me than just someone I'm dating, I finally have my car crap worked out and now have something fairly reliable and even comfortable and to top it all off I may even be doing adequately in school. My subconcious isn't quite willing to let sleeping dogs lie though.

They're not even nightmares in the traditional sense and it's far tamer now than it was before. Still... it's just making my securities right now unsettlingly obvious. I miss the days before I had issues. I'm going into this thing with Jordan still kind of broken emotionally and I'm not sure there's any way to change that. Maybe I just need a good cry, I've been feeling one building up inside me for a few days now but any attempts to coax it out have been futile. I've toyed with the idea of bringing the CD filled with Fox memories out but I think it's still best to keep that safely stored away from my computer for a while. Besides, I'm not sure I have more tears to shed over him, I just need to feel normal again. I want to be able to look at Jordan just as himself but until I know him well enough to do that I know I'll keep on seeing Fox in him at times even though they're completely different. It's even worse when I see the bits of Fox in myself that I can't really remove but I need to make peace with those.

I remember the days when I would have considered myself sane. I miss those days.

2005-10-13T00:11:00.000-07:00

I just saw "The Diary of Anne Frank" the 1995 adaptation of the 1955 play. The production was very excellent, one of the few standing ovations I've given where I actually felt it was deserved (I've recently sworn off fake standing ovations). The acting was, overall, top-tier, the set was breathtaking and it was expertly directed. The only criticisms I have is that it seemed to bring out the humour elements too much and the climax wasn't quite as effective as it could be but both of these things are very understandable considering the play. Besides, where the climax partially failed, the epilogue flourished. Tears were most definitely present.

I can't help but think on WWII when seeing these sorts of things though. After all, that is kind of the point. I really feel that these sorts of high emotional impact recountings of the war are important, it's all too easy for society too forget it now that a significant portion of the population didn't live through it. It hits rather close to home to think about how the Jewish were somewhat forgotten by the allies, after all, currently we seem rather able to ignore persecution in distant countries. I think it's necessary to try and learn from our past mistakes and we can't do that without remembering them.

Of course, I'm writing this while repeatedly thinking that sucking face with Jordan earlier today was an incredibly enjoyable experience so I'm still rather guilty of what I accuse society of. Good times.

2005-10-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

There is possibly no better place to be drunk than in a kitchen. I dunno, it just feels natural. When in a reasonably small friend and drunk setting one should be sitting on a kitchen floor idly philosophizing about such things as music, the meaning of life and gross bodily functions. Truly the best of times.

I don't know when old demon alcohol will find me again but I certainly hope it's with intelligent company and in a kitchen of questionable cleanliness.

2005-10-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing I can pump out a reasonable English essay damn quickly or else I may be worried about the fact that I haven't started on the one due in two days.

On the upside, I worked out an issue I've been having with my car, mainly that I need to get rid of it and find a new one. So, now I'm upgrading from an '86 Tercel to an '86 T-Bird, or as I like to phrase it, I'm paying $10/week more in gas for 3 more inches of legroom and power mirrors. The only reason I'm getting the T-Bird is because my neighbour that is completely trustworthy is selling it and, y'know, I'm lazy.

I figure this car raises my fake coolness at least 10 points (the scale is completely arbitrary so I don't know how much that actually is). Now, when someone asks what car I have, I don't justify it with the fact that I'm a student and it's good on gas -- this raised my real coolness a number of points due to the fact that it was an awesome and totally typical student car, made moreso by the disembled dash and radio stuck to one station -- but I can say in all seriousness that I own a "T-Bird" which brings up images of 50's movies with bad soundtracks. So my surface level fake coolness is definitely way higher now, luckily I'll maintain my real coolness by only owning it because I'm lazy and laughing about the absurdity of owning a T-Bird.

Here's something that should be shared with everyone. I enjoyed immensely.

2005-10-10T01:14:00.000-07:00

It was Thanksgiving today. Possibly one of the least joyous thanksgivings I've ever had I think. It basically comes down to this, we had chocolate mousse instead of pumpkin pie and my grandparents came for dinner.

Now, I like chocolate mousse well enough, after all, I'm the one who searched for a good recipe and learned how to make it. However, I do not like it for Thanksgiving dessert in place of the wonderful and traditional pumpkin pie.

My grandparents on the other hand, I do not like well enough. It's not that they're bad people, it's just they're so very old. Not the "can't relate to because of the age gap" old that sometimes happens, they're the "senile enough that I can't remember the dog's name 2 seconds after I've been told it and I ask about its allergies for the 50th time in 6 years" kind of old. Now, part of this just how my grandmother has always been. I mean, when my mom met her for the first time the only question she ended up having for my dad in private was "She isn't a Jehovah's Witness, is she? Because, those Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate anything". It has just become increasingly painful over the last few years to actually be around her.

On the upside, my mom's parents have kept their mental factulties very very well as they've aged (I love them quite dearly) so I hope I'll follow in their footsteps. However, if I ever get to the point in senility where I'm a completely close-minded idiot, I hope someone does me a favour and shoots me.

2005-10-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

There are very few things I'm afraid of. Snakes creep me out but there's not necessarily fear there. Baby spiders make my skin crawl, I mean you can't kill the bastards, but I'm not sure I would really call it a fear. I'll admit I have this irrational fear of tripping and infinitely sliding, it makes toboganning an interesting experience. But there is something that makes my blood run cold and fills me with terror: migraines.

You see, I get migraines from time to time. It started about the time I was 11 I guess, maybe a little later than that. I won't bother going into the first time or first couple of times, anyone who has migraines understands and anyone who doesn't should count themselves lucky. When I get a migraine, like most people with real migraines, there's a warning. I start losing my sight.

It starts with just a fuzziness around the edges, a sort of shimmering quality to the image. At this point I just start thinking my eyes may be a little tired or the light is bad. Soon, however, I realize I'm having trouble seeing the whole image and this little bit of fear goes into me. This is about the point where I have to take my medication if I want to avoid torture. Not too much longer passes and then big portions of my vision disappear. It's like they're covered in this shimmering tendril, a strange mix between television snow and fireworks that isn't quite real and gives an impression of being there but is just beyond the realm of visibility. This is when my blood runs cold and I go into a panic. I said I fear very few things, well this is the only time I ever panic. I didn't panic when I was stuck in an elevator, I didn't panic when my best friend woke me up at 2am after consuming what was assumed to be a lethal amount of prescription and non-prescription drugs but I panic now. I try to consume liquids and food to try and get my body to decide that it's actually okay and doesn't need to give me horrible amounts of pain. I know that it's futile but I still need to try.

I know it's all over when my vision returns.

This is the worst moment for me. This is when I feel fine, I can see, I have full command of my senses, there's no pain but I know that in 5-10 minutes I'm going to be in hell. If I think I got my medication into me in time I'll usually just keep on going like nothing is wrong and hope that the pain doesn't start. If I know that I didn't get that pill into my mouth in the desperately small window then I just go into bed then. I walk around my house shouting proclamations of death on anyone who dares make noise then I make my room as dark as possible, place an extra blanket on my bed and just try to curl up and die.

The extra blanket helps keep the chills to a minimum and the nausea low. The dark and quiet makes that blinding pain focusing over just that one area right above my eye slightly less horrific. The exertion of holding the covers tight to my head and pressure it puts on my skin gives me a slight bit of sensation that isn't concentrated death. If all goes well, I go to sleep, if not I get a cold cloth, put it on my head, get half a microsecond of relief and then try to sleep again.

When I wake up, it's just become the mother of all headaches, I don't mind that. When you've been to the ninth layer of hell, purgatory is filled with angels and you're sitting on clouds. For the next 24-48 hours it feels like there's a marble, the size of your eye and covered in spikes, rolling around where your brain used to be. This isn't so bad, just don't turn your head quickly, you'll be okay. Light stings for a few hours, anything above a whisper is like a rubber mallet whacking your head but you don't care, it's worlds better than the migraine. Even if you take the medication in time, you'll get the after effects.

My vision started failing me at around noon today...

2005-10-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

I know you're gone, I know we'll never talk again, never have another "Nice try Japan" moment, never muse on the hotness of Waffle, never search for another copy of Cubivore (I found mine, I hope you found yours) and so many things we'll never do again.

And I really don't mind that much.

Really, I'm essentially over it, it's a lot my fault anyway (the end is wholly mine, the events leading up to the end... that's debatable). It still hurts that you don't believe me but I guess you have no reason to. When two people lie to each other as much as we did it's hard to ever think there's some truth.

Most of the time when I think of you there's nothing, maybe a slight twinge of anger but really nothing. Every once in a while though, there's just this horrible sadness, this thing that encompasses my whole being. You're the only person who makes me cry, I think you may still be the only person I truly feel anything for.

But I really don't mind that much, it's actually probably a good thing you're gone. We were bad for each other and staying as friends could have caused us nothing but pain. I'm over you as much as I'll ever be; I care for you as little as I ever can. Still, I'm going to sit here for now, listening to your favourite sad music and I'm going to smile every time I see Hamtaro or get Wahoo stomp stuck in my head. I don't want to forget you completely, if nothing else, you'll always have affected me greatly and you're amazingly special.

So here's my final goodbye to you:

Goodbye Fox
Goodbye William
Goodbye Bill
Goodbye Guillaume
Goodbye M. Renard
Goodbye Kitsune-san
Goodbye Fantastic Mr. Fox
Goodbye Le Petit Prince
Goodbye <^^--,

but most of all, goodbye Foxie.

2005-10-07T01:18:00.000-07:00

Hmm... guess I should have mentioned the events of Wednesday. Yeah, grabbed coffee with Jordan after class. He's kind of just all around awesome. He managed to actually keep a conversation going with me when I wasn't in one of my more talkative moods and he relieved the awkwardness of the few silences that reared their ugly heads. Did I mention he likes coffee? That a very important thing with me.

Few things could have worked out better really. I mean, he likes coffee, dislikes rap and country, he's cynical and an atheist; there's more but right there he's already earning himself an exemplary grade. Add in the fact that he's intelligent, beautiful, classy and has this great fidgety ADD sort of thing but only when completely static, it's all rather great.

I'm still kind of keen on taking it a little slow though. There's going to be problems no matter what happens and I want be able to actually deal with them this time. Besides, too large an amount of me at any one time tends to be a bad plan. There's a reason why many people hate me the first three or four times they meet me.

2005-10-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

The fact that I outlived my expectations on how long I could go without missing a post is sad. Oh well, I had two bloody compositions to finish. Sue me.

The day was eventful enough, it was convocation day which means one thing for those not graduating: impossible to get around. There were at least 2000 more people on campus today than normal and it makes a damned large difference.

Today seemed to be a day of oddities with authorities (which makes no grammatical sense really but it sounds good so I'm keeping it). 9:30 is too early for me to even think about explaining to my English 103 TA why I wasn't in tutorial last Tuesday but I didn't really get a say in the matter. After that it was the glorious three hour break in which I finished "A Doll's House" and read all of "The Good Woman of Setzuan". My philosophy lecture was entertaining as usual. Today my prof showed up uncharacteristacally well dressed and earned cat calls and the like. Turns out he was at a big formal lunch, a formal lunch where they served wine, lots of wine. So you can likely see where the hilarity ensued.

After another hour of purgatory I made my way to my music class where I presented these two compositions that made me botch my precious schedule. The normal feedback time actually ended up being me arguing with the prof, I don't think anyone else in the class said anything. I've missed arguing with teachers, it's a favourite past time of mine and I've lacked a proper forum to do it for quite a while.

My day was adequately brightened when Jordan asked me out on a date next Wednesday though. I readily accepted of course, forgetting that I have to go see "The Diary of Anne Frank" that night. Maybe we'll be able to work it out anyway, we'd still have plenty of time to enjoy, I just hate putting a time limit on it. Time limits are a great way to ruin a perfectly fine spontaneous first date. Hopefully he'll understand, I have this mild suspicion that he may kind of like me too so I think it can all be managed.

2005-10-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

Today was rather banal. Nothing much of note other than sort of started a new music thing. Sort of a joint composition with some friends. They're actually into Jazz as well so it should be good times.

When I set out to make this blog I originally wanted to use the name "Forty-four sunsets" which, in case you don't know, is a reference to "Le Petit Prince", an amazingly beautiful children's story. This was already taken though so I decided to pass on the idea.

Next I thought about using "Love and Hope and Sex and Dreams", a line from Tatters by the Rolling Stones. I actually kind of hate the Stones but I thought that line was suitable. Again, a quick check led to the discovery that it was already in use.

I really had no idea what to do at this point so I just looked around my room. Oddly enough I had one of my two favourite childhood books lying out (The Little Prince doesn't count since I wasn't introduced to it until last year). This book, Cakes and Miracles, is about a blind boy who feels a great need to express himself but is being told by everyone around him that he is useless and inept. It mentions how his mother always said "If you had eyes, you could..." and how he was always scolded for sculpting the mud which is the only release he had. After that there's the sort cut and dry children's story ending that I won't bother ruining for you if you decide to go check this book out.

I just liked the line because it dealt so poignantly with how the world sees only inadequacy, never ability.

Fun Fact: My other favourite childhood book is "Love You Forever". Like the Little Prince, I'm not sure it's possible to get through this one without crying. I'd highly suggest checking it out to anyone who hasn't been exposed to it yet.

2005-10-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today was eventful to say the least.

It was a good day, it was even perhaps an excellent day right up until 8:44 PM. That's when I found out I lost my best friend. Some people only have one best friend their entire lives, this is my fourth and one was my ex so I'm not sure that even counts. Losing Vanessa is more or less totally my fault though so I'm really not complaining or feeling slighted. I'm noting how unfortunate the situation is, I'm more or less just being me. It's not like I don't feel anything, she helped me through some of the toughest bits of my life and she was the first person I told about my sexuality that I had no plans to make out with. I really wish her the best of luck.

What made the rest of my day so damn good though was Jordan. You see, there's this really gorgeous boy in my poetry class that I noticed last week and through good fortune sort of met him. Enough that he noticed I existed anyway and that we exchanged smiles, not enough that we knew each other's names. Last Wednesday resulted me staring at him a lot in class and hiim catching me from time to time (perhaps even returning a stare once or twice) and a kind of intense coy teasing each other thing as we were walking out of class.

I wasn't sure at all that he liked me (although I was rather sure he wasn't against the prospect of liking guys in general) since his looks were far briefer and there wasn't drooling so far as I could tell and the whole coy mindgame thing could have easily just been coincidence. Even so, I promised myself I would at least meet him properly today and at least get his name. It would seem he arrived at the idea ahead of me.

When I got to class he was waiting in a seat very very close to where I had been sitting the class prior and the group of people he is usually with was nowhere to be seen. It was deep breath time. I had just sat in front of the cute boy and gotten out my books when a friend of mine from a year ago who I had promised I would sit with in this class while drunk the week before came up to me and said hi and mentioned my seating plan. Oh well, with an apologetic smile to the cute boy I got up and followed. Katie is an awesome person, I have long thought so, but at that moment I wanted her to not exist because there's this cute boy who was planning on talking to me and instead saw me get dragged away by a hot girl. I mean, he didn't even know if I was straight or not yet.

There was still the odd look exchanged between the two of us though as class progressed, as much as there can be while trying to pay attention to a lecture and staring across half a lecture hall and through some strangers rather sizable head. At the end of class I tried to catch up with him but he ended up getting out of there fairly quickly, presumably to wait for me outside the door I would likely exit through. Through an odd mixture of looking through backpacks outside I ended up in front of him in the hall and he trailed (it's not like I could just stop, preservation of dignity and the like) but I slowed dramatically once out of the building and we talked. He was admirably forward about it too.

Either way, the short version of it is this: his name's Jordan, I have a date and his personality has led me to like him more, not less. So you can see where it was a good day.

2005-10-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

I ended up going to a "coming out" brunch for a cousin of mine this morning. Read that again and see what you think it means.

Now, what actually went on is that this cousin was born about a month ago and there hasn't been a baby shower yet so this was similar to that: a sort of formal occassion for all to come out and see the baby. Needless to say, my sisters and I had endless fun at the expense of the misnomer and my parents were more or less confused. Apparently they didn't grow up in a time when the phrase 'coming out' meant enough for them to automatically associate it with the act of telling people you're gay. Still, I'm happy for little Jamie-Lynne, most people don't know their true sexuality until after puberty, it's quite an accomplishment to be so mentally developed at four weeks old.

Either way, the party was a bit of a drag. The food was good but the variety and quantity were sorely lacking and the guests were mainly from my aunt's side of the family so there wasn't much familiarity to be had. When the only option you have for conversation is with your sisters or with your confused and mildly senile grandparents -- the same ones that thought you shouldn't pursue a degree in computing science since there apparently isn't any work in the field but applaud your decision to change over to an English major/Music minor -- then the choice becomes fairly easy.

So my sisters and I generally ended up making esoteric references to mutual loves (it only took one episode of Zim to get them both hooked and my youngest sister has a voracious appetite for irreverent flash cartoons) and spouting snide comments about babies in general. Basically, we just reinforced with our parents the idea that none of us will likely ever have children or for that matter even get married. However, the fact that our family line will likely be carried on by the genetic defect that is my brother is mildly depressing to me.

Oh well, at least my parents won't have reason to be too crushed about the lack of grandchildren prospects if I ever decide to come out to them.

2005-10-01T23:28:00.000-07:00

So, here's the deal:

Blogging isn't something I've really done before. Yes, I did have a blog once but it consisted of four published posts and two unpublished drafts.

I don't think that exactly counts as experience.

So I'll warn you all ahead of time that my posts will likely be long winded at times; I really like essays.

The reason I'm starting this is to make sure I actually can keep a flow of words coming out of me all the time. You see, I've made this crazy decision to take an English degree and work on becoming a writer so I should probably make sure that I'm actually able to, y'know, consistently write stuff. I don't know why but that just makes sense to me.

The thing that I'm promising myself is that I'm going to write something every day of the week so long as it's possible for me to do so. It doesn't always need to be huge but it needs to say something, it can't just be a copout post.

I'm going to stop writing here now I think. If you want to read something that isn't just a glorified mission statement you could always take a look at my old blog. It's here for all interested.